


The Taste of Cinnamon

by soranokumo



Category: Final Fantasy VII
Genre: Canon - Original Game, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2001-10-21
Updated: 2001-10-21
Packaged: 2017-10-19 08:06:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/198709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soranokumo/pseuds/soranokumo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cloud has been in search for happiness his whole life, and has journeyed far from his home to Midgar in search of it. In desperation he continues to look... but could it be that it's been underneath his nose the whole time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Taste of Cinnamon

**Author's Note:**

> This is an early, early fic of mine, so... sometimes I look at it with fondness, other times it still makes me wince. (Look at all the fangirlish Japanese! Aiyaa.) But, I do need to put a shoutout to kaliflwr at http://www.mindspring.com/~kaliflwr/innersanctum/kali2.html who wrote a famous Zack x Cloud fic called "Omnislash." She took it down quite some time ago, but that's where the term "going green" came from.

There was always a distinct smell in the apartment, specifically in the evening when it was the strongest. For a few moments he simply sat on the couch, staring up at the ceiling fan as it twirled about in slow circles, the light breeze of air causing his bangs to lift. He thought that the fan didn't do much good; this was Midgar, after all. Midgar was almost always filled with heat, even in the dead of Winter, when the cold winds blowing across the streets carried the smallest flakes of snow, which often turned into water upon touching the streets. Or sometimes the snow would melt during its fall, turn into the torrential rains that came along in the Winter, all cold and icy, but even then the streets were filled with heat, and inside the buildings they used that as just another excuse to pump in more heat through the vents, until it was suffocating... It was always hard to breathe in Midgar.

Maybe the slight breeze did help a little. It was always easier to breathe in Zack's apartment.

There was a sudden cold feeling against his cheek, and he jumped, clamping a hand to his face and staring up to see Zack grinning at him, happy of course, with two cans in his hands. He immediately sat down and felt his face burn like a fool--he was always acting the fool, always blushing like a kid--and Zack moved from behind the couch to sit down beside him. He held one can out to Cloud, and he slowly took it, felt the cold condensation running down his fingers. Zack opened his own and took a sip from his can, eyes watching him with amusement the whole time.

It was at times like these that he didn't know what to say, what to do. Should he grin and laugh, or frown and tell his friend that his prank hadn't been appreciated? Should he even bother to tell Zack that he didn't want any beer, even though he was expected to drink it anyway? After all, he was just a guest here, a burden, he shouldn't expect Zack to do anything special for him. No one else did anything special for him. It was all just a game, after all. Just a game.

He was just waiting for Zack to stab him in the back, just like so many others had done.

"You're always so quiet, Cloud," Zack said with a chuckle. "Lighten up a little. You've lived through another week as a recruit, after all."

"Hnh." It was a soft grunt, not really an affirmative or a negative. Cloud would admit that he was, at best, surviving, but that did not necessarily mean that he was living. According to the wisdom of his mother, those were two different things. He thought he could agree to that.

A soft sigh, and Cloud took his own deep breath, once again tasting that familiar smell. So familiar, now, and expected. Spice, of some sort, perhaps cinnamon, warm and friendly. It was Zack all over, and he caught another sniff of that smell as he felt Zack's arm around his shoulders, drawing him closer. He closed his eyes, for a few moments content as he buried his face in Zack's shirt. He liked this. He liked being held, and he knew that Zack had learned this, had used it to get closer to him.

"Hey.... You all right, buddy...?" Zack's voice was so much deeper than his own, and Cloud thought it funny that he could feel the reverberations from Zack's voice on his chest. "You're quieter than normal, and that's always alarming..."

"Mebbe I'm tired..." Cloud whispered, eyes still closed.

"Yeah, but a lot of the guys I know just talk a lot when they're tired. Why don't you?"

"Nothin' to talk 'bout," he replied simply, the cold weight of the can of beer forgotten in his hand.

"Surely there's something," Zack insisted.

"...nothing..."

"Really? I fail to believe that." Another sip, and Zack put his own beer down on the small coffee table in front of the couch. Deftly he picked up Cloud's own, setting it beside his, and then used his now-free hand to run it through Cloud's hair. "A wonderful person like you must have lots of stories to tell... I mean, you're from Nibelheim, right? Surely there's something you can tell me about it."

"You already know everything. I've always been the town scapegoat since I was born. Got beat up every step of my life, Mom was the only one who cared, cared enough to let me try another life, here..." He opened his eyes, tried not think too hard about his mother. She was surely worried about him; he had promised to write to her, but so far all he had to tell her about was his misery, and so he didn't want to make her feel worse. He'd find something, some form of happiness here, first, and then he would write to her. "Got here, got beaten up s'more, nearly got raped over a hundred times..."

"Hmmm... maybe that's why, huh...?"

He looked up in surprise, felt it growing when he thought he actually saw concern in the Mako gray eyes. Zack smiled at him again, though it was different from his usual smile, and tapped him on the nose.

"Yeah, that's why. You won't talk to me because you're scared of me, right? Is that it?"

"I... I, umm, don't know, I mean I..." He stammered, partly as a defensive mechanism so he wouldn't actually have to say anything, partly out of pure surprise that Zack had managed to figure it out so well.

The smile faded somewhat, became saddened as if his stuttering hurt the dark-haired man. "I wish you didn't have to be so afraid around me, Cloud kun... I wish you didn't have to be afraid at all. You've been running your whole life, haven't you?" A pause, and Zack held him even closer, and Cloud closed his eyes as the other man's strong, tanned arms circled around him. "You don't have to run away from me, Cloud-kun," Zack whispered. "You don't have to run away while you're here. In my home, you're welcome to stand still and do absolutely nothing, if that's what you want. I want you to feel safe here. I want you to feel happy here. Gods, you've been living here with me for practically a month... I've even taken up the couch so you can have my bed at night... so you can feel safe... What more do I have to do to earn your trust, kiddo? What else do I have to do to make you happy?"

His mind shut down and his instincts kicked in as the kind words echoed slowly in his mind. He carefully pushed away, stood up and mumbled something about going to bed. He turned away quickly, kept his eyes on the soft carpet beneath his feet, so that way he wouldn't be able to see the emotions in Zack's eyes, in Zack's face, as he left. He had never had the bravery to look up and see what his self-professed "friend" was thinking, wouldn't know what to do if he saw anger there, wouldn't know what to do if he saw sadness there.

***

Another day, another few hours spent in the training center, to try desperately to keep up with the others in his classes, even though they never had to put in extra time. Not as much as he did, in any case. First he practiced martial arts, and he realized he still wasn't moving quite fast enough; he still hesitated, and even he knew it. Then he went on to sword practice, and after that and a quick shower he went straight to the firing range. He practiced disassembling and reassembling multiple firearms, then went on to actually practicing with them. Even with the mufflers over his ears it was still loud, and each time he fired he felt a part of him cringe.

"Study the sword, son," his mother had once told him. "Don't study those guns and whatever else they might force upon you. Guns hold no honor. The sword requires honor, requires strength, requires skill and knowledge. Learn the sword."

He wished he could do as his mother asked, but, no, this was a requirement. If he wanted to get into SOLDIER then he had to do this. He had to.

And by the time he had finished practicing with the handgun and went on to the rifle there was a part inside of him shaking so much he was afraid he might fall apart, and crying right there and then at the firing range would have been worse than embarrassing, worse than stupid.

Mother had always told him that it was okay to cry, even for boys, because crying meant that you cared, meant that you were human.

But he didn't want to cry anymore.

After finally passing several hours at the firing range and having grown tired from it all, the relentless thoughts and the strains on his arms for having to hold the guns so high and so straight for so long, and he finally headed for the apartment so he could study for Monday's test on the history of Shinra warfare and tactics. They hadn't even reached the Wutai War yet, but he made sure he studied that class, made sure he memorized all of it. He didn't want to be kicked out before they reached the Wutai War, because then he would learn more about Sephiroth.

Sometimes it was only by thinking about the Commander of SOLDIER that he survived. But it was enough to keep him going.

At least, he thought so.

***

That afternoon he came back to the apartment and found a note from Zack taped to the door leading from the anteroom to the living room. It said, in eloquent, large letters:

[GONE ON DUTY. BACK EVENING. ETA MIDNIGHT.]

Then, almost as if the following were an afterthought, there was a smaller message written in a more relaxed hand:

[Frozen lasagna in the fridge. Don't wait for me, get some sleep, Cloud. Get some rest. Try not to wake you up when I get back.]

He stared at the note for the longest time, unsure exactly how long, until he finally reached up and took the note off the door. He stepped into the apartment, still staring, welcoming the familiar scent but still bewildered. He was used to getting notes like this from Zack, but the kindness in those last words surprised him. Zack had never told him that before.

He took another shower, studied, moped around in the apartment, ignoring any unpleasant noises from their neighbors, actually turning on the television for once, flipping through the channels. He started to fix the lasagna, ended up stopping to reread the note, shrugged and put it into the oven anyway. Went back to the bedroom, stared at the note as he placed it on the nightstand, and wondered where Zack could have gone. Probably patrol duty, perhaps guard duty, it didn't matter. He wondered, though, felt anxious, and when the timer on the kitchen counter began to ring he could only stare at the note again.

The lasagna was the good kind, the brand name that he liked, and even though he usually dumped whatever was leftover, he instead wrapped it up and put it back into the refridgerator. Zack would be hungry when he came home.

Funny. He had never considered the apartment to be "home," before. When had that changed?

He changed into a pair of black gym shorts, slipped on one of the tank tops, and got ready for bed. He had nearly gotten into the bed when he changed his mind. He got up, wrote a note himself, taped it to the anteroom's door, and then curled up into a small ball on the couch. He didn't remember when he went to sleep, but he did.

***

He stirred when he felt two arms lifting him from the couch, but he couldn't manage to open his eyes as he was carried. It was a wonderful feeling, and reminded him of the phantom touches in his dreams, of his father carrying him, or his mother; he couldn't ever remember the features of the figure that carried him, only remembered the warmth. Still, it felt very much like a dream, and when he heard a door opening he forced open his eyes. For some reason, he was surprised to see Zack holding him, even more so when he saw he was being taken back into the bedroom. Zack glanced down at him, said nothing until he placed the younger man onto the bed.

"It was very kind of you," Zack whispered, running a hand through Cloud's hair again, "to save some for me and to offer me the bed tonight, but I don't want you to worry about me. I'm okay."

Cloud whimpered in reply, and Zack suddenly grinned as he straightened.

"However," he said, "I think I might take you up on the offer of taking the bed, if you wouldn't mind." Cloud blinked, then realized that Zack meant that they share the bed, but he was too tired to actually think about it. He sat up in his confusion, but Zack only chuckled as he went to his dresser and took out a pair of boxers. "Be back in a sec, so go back to sleep," the older man said, flicking off the light as he went into the bathroom.

The door to the bathroom closed, a light began to shine through the crack underneath the door, and soon there came the sound of hot water running. Cloud stared at the door, and thought briefly about just lying down and doing as Zack said. However, his back was aching, hurting so much that Cloud was almost afraid to move his muscles. Instead, he focused on the door to the bathroom, and the sounds from within.

It grew more humorous when he thought he could hear some humming, and then something more, soft singing, a popular tune that Cloud heard often on the radio, when he cared to listen. And there it was; Zack was singing in the shower. It wasn't really that much of a surprise, if he thought about it. Zack was certainly the type to do something like that, though it was amusing... A First Class SOLDIER, singing in the shower? For a bit longer Cloud entertained that thought, and he ended up wondering if it was at all possible that the Great Sephiroth himself sang in the shower. Before he could dismiss the thought as impossible, however, he realized that the water had cut off and the door to the bathroom had begun to open, just as the bathroom light cut off.

"...hey? You're still up?" Glowing silver eyes wandered closer to the bed, moving without stumbling or hesitation even in the dark, and Cloud nodded. A warm hand plopped down on his head, and even if he couldn't quite see the smile, Cloud knew that Zack was grinning. "Thought I told you to get some sleep, kiddo."

"Gomen," Cloud murmured, watching as Zack moved to the other side of the bed and clambered in. "My back's hurting a bit... hard to sleep..."

"...knew it."

His surprise only seemed to grow when he felt Zack's hands on his shoulders, the thumbs gently kneading at his sore back. For a few moments he tensed up, but the fingers that started massaging his neck and shoulders and back wouldn't allow him to stay that way for long. He relaxed, letting out a deep breath and hanging his head, and whimpered when Zack took his hands away.

"Don't worry, I'm just getting some oil. Lessee, here... Ah, here we go, vanilla's good..." Zack chuckled, and Cloud could smell the oil as Zack began the massage again. "You know, Cloud-kun, you've got some major knots here... I've always told you you should relax more often. Well, tomorrow, you aren't training. At all. I'm not going to let you. We're going to sleep in, and then I'm going to show you around, show you some of the good places in Midgar, places that won't frighten you every time you step through the door."

"Gotta... study..." Cloud managed to get out, but Zack gave him a light slap on the shoulder, a playful thing.

"Uh-uhn. You're not studying, either. Cloud, I know that you know all of that junk. For once, I'm asking you to not worry about it."

"Oh... okay..." the blonde whispered, and let out another sigh as Zack finally finished the backrub. He reached out, groping for his tank top, but realized that it had somehow fallen to the floor. He started to reach over for it, but Zack's arm circled around his waist and pulled them both down to the mattress. Cloud sat still for a moment, unsure whether or not he should even bother trying to retrieve the lost article of clothing, and decided it wasn't worth it.

"Relax," Zack murmured into his ear, and Cloud nodded. For once, he didn't feel tired, but relaxed, and didn't even seem to notice Zack's other hand, stroking his chest. "Just relax... and know that nothing's gonna ever happen here to hurt you, 'kay...?"

"Okay..." Cloud nodded again, eyes slipping closed. "Yeah, this's good..."

"Glad you think so," Zack murmured. "C'mon, let's sleep..."

"...yeah..."

***

Fall in Midgar slowly gave way to Winter, and Cloud could step out on the streets and watch the few scattered leaves, from the trees in the park, skitter down the concrete. A few would be frozen in puddles, frosted over, looking oddly eloquent in a kind of candied amber sort of way... Winter always made him think of home, where it would always be snowing by this time of year, and his mother would make the most wonderful things, from cookies to gingerbread houses... Just the thought made him miss her, and so he would stop staring and eventually head off to base.

It was about this time that Zack started keeping different hours, because the Shinra started landing him with more late night duties, so he was often coming into the apartment just as Cloud was leaving. Zack would always smile at him as he passed, and every now and then the two thought to give each other a quick hug, but usually his friend went straight to the bedroom and collapsed. By the time Cloud got back from the base or the academy in the evenings, Zack was already gone.

He missed the nights he and Zack had shared together. Even if there hadn't been anything, really, just the comfort... the comfort alone was enough to be missed. He had enjoyed it, he had liked it.

It was one of the few things in life he had ever enjoyed.

Then, of course, there was one evening in particular...

Cloud was walking back to the apartment, shoulders shrugged against the invasive knife-blades of the wind, momentarily enjoying the solitude on the gray and black streets, slashed with the occasional streetlamp. The cold had driven most people inside by now, and he only saw the occasional troopers walking down the streets, on patrol, but they never glanced at him, never even bothered to salute him.

He reached the apartment building, climbed up the stairs wearily--the instructors had been more vindictive than normal, today--and Cloud fumbled about for the keys to the front door, when he saw an envelope slid partly under the door. He pulled out the envelope, looked at it oddly. It was for Zack, of course, and seemed to come from the Shinra SOLDIER offices directly. He wondered, but slowly opened the door, kicked off his boots and wandered past the anteroom. He welcomed the scent of cinnamon, and then noticed with surprise that he heard a tea kettle whistling.

"Hello...? Oi, Cloud-kun, is that you?" A familiar dark head poked out from around the door to the kitchen, and Zack grinned shamelessly when he saw his "roommate." "You're back, huh? How'd your day go, kiddo?"

Cloud blinked. "You're... here. You're never here... anymore."

Zack wandered out of the kitchen, a gloved hand carefully holding a steaming teapot. "Heh, well, it happens every now and then... How about you, though? You okay?"

He nodded dumbly, and looked down at the envelope in his hands. He held it out to Zack. "It's... It's for you. I found it underneath the door."

"Whoa, really? Hold on a sec. Hey, kiddo, you want some tea?" Zack wondered back into the kitchen, and Cloud briefly called out a "yes!" in answer to his roommate's question. When Zack came back out, he held out a small mug to Cloud, and then took the envelope from him. He sat down on his couch, frowned for a few seconds before opening it. There was a lengthy letter inside, certainly a few pages long, all neatly stapled together. Cloud sat down beside Zack, watching his friend's face as his glowing Mako eyes read the letter. Apparently, it was serious, because Zack's face lost its earlier expression of ease and became progressively more grim. Finally, he sighed, and tore the letter in two.

"Zack...?!" Cloud whispered, surprised. "What... What is it?"

"I... I'm going to have to go away for awhile," Zack murmured, standing up. "I might not be back for a week."

"But why? Where are you going?" Cloud put the tea down beside Zack's own forgotten mug, following him as he went into the bedroom.

"You'll understand once you get into SOLDIER," Zack murmured. "I'm not supposed to tell you anything, Cloud-kun, so please don't ask."

"But I want to know. I hardly ever see you anymore, and I... I miss you, Zack! I don't want you to go away like this anymore!"

The older man paused in the process of dumping some extra clothing and uniforms into a duffle, and glanced up at Cloud. "Sorry, kiddo... But I have to go." He paused. "How about this... I'll put in a request for an extended leave next week, okay?" Zack smiled, dropped his things and enveloped Cloud in a massive bear hug. "How's that sound, huh? You can put in for some vacation, too, you know. We'll take some time off, and by the time it's over you'll be sick of me again, ne...?"

"Never..." Cloud whispered, embracing his friend and shutting his eyes. "Never get sick... of this... I miss it, Zack... miss you..."

"Hey. It'll be okay. I might be a little weak when I get back, though, so you're gonna hafta take it easy on me, okay?"

"Yeah... yeah, sure..."

"Good... Now, let me get some of this stuff together, okay?"

"Sure..." Cloud saw that Zack wasn't gathering his usual amount of equipment that he usually took with him whenever he went on a long mission, and though he was curious, he was certain that Zack wouldn't tell him anything about it. It made him a little nervous, and before Zack left he gave Cloud another hug, smiling and reassuring him with a wink.

"Be back in about a week. Take care of the place for me, okay? No rowdy parties while I'm gone, right?"

And then, with a laugh, Zack left.

For a few moments after the door closed, Cloud just stared, unsure exactly what else to do or say. Then he finally decided that there was really nothing to do, but wonder, and as he went back into the living room he happened to see the torn letter still lying on the table. Apparently, Zack had forgotten to dispose of it more properly...

Unable to keep down his curiosity, Cloud picked up the two halves of the letter and put them together, blue eyes staring at the words uncertainly.

[Importance: HIGH  
MATERIAL CLASSIFIED  
Personnel : SOLDIER, FIRST CLASS  
DONOVAN, ZACKARY

Orders from SHINRA PEACE PRESERVATION DEPARTMENT and the COMMANDER OF SOLDIER:

"To all SOLDIERS,  
An error has been discovered in the induction process regarding the infusion of Mako within the human body. Several able SOLDIERS of different classes have fallen under the following symptoms:

hallucinations  
fatigue  
depression  
suicidal tendancies  
berserker rage  
comatose sleep

It is thought that this problem has occurred due to an error in some of the Mako infusion chambers. This problem has been fixed, but all SOLDIERS are to report to HQ immediately and be inspected for any signs of Mako poisoning. All SOLDIERS suspected of having such an illness shall be withheld from further duties until the error has been rectified. All SOLDIERS, regardless of position, shall be put through the Mako infusion process one more time in order to insure success of the infusion and to prevent anymore mental instabilities. All SOLDIERS are to report immediately to HQ. SOLDIERS who fail to report by 2400 hours today shall be terminated."

SOLDIERS are urged to destroy these papers immediately after reception and affirmation. It may be necessary to bring some clothing, but no equipment should be brought to HQ. Leave all weaponry in the armory or in quarters. Failure to follow these directions exactly shall result in termination.]

Cloud stared in amazement at the papers, more than a little scared as he reread the information. Mako poisoning? Mako infusion? Zack had told him a little about the infusion; he said it was supposed to help make them stronger, and that's why SOLDIER eyes glow. But poisoning? He had never heard of Mako poisoning before, but if it could cause all of those symptoms...

"Zack-kun..." Biting his lower lip, Cloud dropped the first page and read the next one.

[ADDENDUM FROM: Sephiroth  
Importance : HIGH  
Personnel : SOLDIER, FIRST CLASS  
DONOVAN, ZACKARY]

Cloud stared in amazement. Sephiroth? The Commander of SOLDIER himself? He could hardly believe it. Still, even though it appeared as if the page had been photocopied, there was no doubting that flowing script. No one, no one in the entire world, Cloud imagined, could write so beautifully. He began to read, sitting down slowly on the couch.

[Zackary,

As we all know, the terror of "going green" has always been one of the risks for entering SOLDIER. It has happened to our comrades before, sometimes to our best friends, sometimes to men we hardly knew at all, or perhaps even on the front lines at Wutai, when we needed them the most. For a long time the number of those who have suffered from Mako poisoning has dwindled, but due to the Science Department's grievous error, it is possible that any of us may be hit with the poisoning at any time. If you feel yourself being taken by the poisoning, contact the SOLDIER security offices immediately and give them your name, rank, position, and status. All of the security team members have already fulfilled the necessary requirements and will safely escort you to HQ where you can be monitored. I have spoken with the Science Department directly about this, and I have been ensured that the safety of all of you shall be taken into account. Know that I will do my best to do whatever it takes that none of us are taken by the Mako poisoning.]

The next part was obviously not photocopied, and written instead in pen.

[ Zackary, I know that this in particular has been worrying you for some time. I have a listing of all of the other SOLDIERs who have already fallen to the Mako poisoning, and might need your help. Keep them in your prayers. Most of them are suffering from flashbacks of the Wutai War. I hope your own "curing" goes well, Zackary. Don't let the scientists scare you. And be particularly careful of Hojo. I think he's trying to use this to his advantage.

Godspeed.

Sephiroth]

Cloud looked at the other papers behind it. Names upon names, and behind those pages there were medical reports about some of the men he had seen listed. Carefully, Cloud collected all of the papers, saving only the half that held Sephiroth's signature, and dumped the rest of them into the trash.

***

The week couldn't have passed quickly enough.

Cloud hurried back to the apartment on Wednesday evening, and opened the door hoping to be greeted by the familiar warmth of Zack's laughter and embrace, but... There was no one waiting for him inside the apartment, only the creaking of the fan and the faint smell of cinnamon. Cloud sniffed, looked down at his feet and worried, when the phone began to ring angrily.

After his initial surprise had faded, Cloud leaped and snatched the phone off the receiver. "Moshi-moshi," he said quickly, and heard a soft laugh in the background.

"Thought you had to be home by now... Heh, yep, this is your roommate. Think you could do a guy a favor and help him home?"

"Zack-kun? Are you okay? I was worried, is everything all right?"

Another chuckle. "Heh, hold your chocobo... It was all very hush-hush, you know... 'm not supposed to tell you. Let's just say I may need a helping hand home, all right?"

"S-sure... Where do you want me to meet you?"

"I'll be in the front lobby of the SOLDIER campus."

"Okay... I'll be there soon."

"Thanks, Cloud-kun. I'll see you in a bit, hmmm?" The line clicked off, and Cloud stared at the phone again before finally putting it back on the receiver.

The walk to the base was a quick one, and a cold one, despite the steam oozing out of the vents of the buildings and streets, and Cloud hurried past all of it, went as quickly as he could. After what seemed like a long walk to him, he stood in front of the doors to the SOLDIER campus's lobby, unsure exactly what to expect. What would increased exposure of Mako do to a person? Would Zack look the same? Would he be different? Was he hurt, and just didn't want to tell him? Or maybe...

"'Scuse me, kid, but could ya hurry up?" came a dejected voice from behind him. Cloud practically yelped when he realized that there were two SOLDIER candidates carrying boxes of equipment. He pushed open the door, held it for the two candidates, and looked up when he heard a light chuckle from behind him. Turning around, he saw Zack sitting alongside a few other men in SOLDIER uniforms, watching him with a bemused expression. Cloud let go of the door and came closer, returning Zack's gaze with a worried, cautious one of his own.

He looked about the same. Zack's jet black hair was still hanging past his shoulders in the same, wild-like locks that he was so used to... He didn't look as if he had gotten any stronger, or weaker, for that matter. The uniform still fit him perfectly, and for the longest time he couldn't think of what could be wrong. Then he realized that Zack's eyes seemed a little different, the burnished silver gleaming more brightly than before, and he wondered what it meant, what it could possibly mean.

"I was just talkin' about you," Zack said, still smiling that same grin. Some of his friends laughed, and Cloud came closer, confused. "Don't worry... I was just telling them what a great friend you are."

"Umm..." Cloud nodded slowly. "Zack-kun... are you okay...?"

"Just tired," Zack said, pushing himself out of the chair, duffle in hand. "Let's head home, huh? I put in for that week of vacation and managed to get five days... better than what some of my friends here got. So, what about you?"

Cloud took the duffle from Zack's hand, slinging the strap over his shoulder and frowning at his roommate slightly. "I wanna go home."

"Sounds good to me." Zack turned to flash a victory sign at his friends, earning a few more laughs, and then the two walked outside into the cold. Zack apparently had enough sense to bring along a coat, slipping it on as soon as they stepped into the freezing air.

They walked in silence, to the sound of their shoes falling on the cement of the sidewalks. Zack's own walking seemed heavier than usual, the usually light, if not noiseless footfalls, sounding louder in Cloud's ears than before. But Zack never stumbled, never seemed to need to support himself on anything, but instead of going up the stairs to reach their apartment, Zack asked that they take the elevator. Besides that, their journey home was an abnormally quiet one.

***

"It feels good to be home again...!" Zack sighed, stretching out on the couch. His hair was still dripping wet from his hot shower, and Cloud watched him with a small smile, standing in the kitchen's doorway with two mugs of tea in his hand.

"Maybe you'll stay for a bit?" Cloud mumbled, and his older friend laughed.

"Yeah. What about you? Did you put in for some time off?"

"I... I have three days off," Cloud said, coming closer and holding one mug out to Zack. Zack took it and shifted his legs so Cloud could have some sitting room, and together the two sipped in silence.

"Zack-kun...?"

"Yeah?"

"What does it mean to 'go green'...?"

A pause, and then: "I left those papers out, didn't I? Damn. You haven't seen anybody suspicious in suits around here lately, have you?"

Confused by the question, Cloud spared Zack a quick glance before returning his eyes down to his tea. "No..."

"Good. Otherwise, I'd have to drag the both of us back to base immediately and make a formal apology. You see, Cloud-kun, those papers were strictly confidential. If they--anyone, really, happened to see you reading those, you could have been eliminated by the Shinra as a security risk."

"I... I couldn't help it..."

"No, no, don't apologize. I just want you to be careful from here on out, okay?" Before Cloud even registered the movement, Zack's two legs were suddenly around his waist, his arms wrapped around his chest, and he was caught up in a bearhug. "You know," Zack whispered into his ear, arms carefully tightening their hold around him, and the tea completely forgotten in his hands, "I was worried about you, too. Afraid of what you might do, when you're alone... you're always so quiet, so afraid... always brooding... I like it when you smile; can't you do that for me? Just once?"

"D-don't know," Cloud stuttered, concentrating solely on the mug in his hands, his knuckles white around the ceramics. "I... I was scared..."

"Don't worry, I'm fine. They just stuck me in another glass tube for a few days, that's all..."

"The papers... they said... that if you go green, then you might... I was scared, Zack... I was really scared... What does it mean? How does it happen?"

Zack's grip loosened somewhat, and the dark-haired man drew back so he could look straight at Cloud's face.

"It used to be no one ever heard about it," Zack said, quietly. "No one had ever heard of Mako poisoning, or anything. The first case of it was reported during the Wutai War. One of the Third Classes... He started convulsing, clawing his eyes, screaming... No one knew what happened to him. They thought that maybe the war was just too much for him. Then it happened two more times, and finally one of the doctors realized that the men... something happened in their bodies... reacting to the Mako... and it drove them crazy. They call it Mako poisoning, or Mako burn, when your body's been exposed to Mako too long... you hear things, you see things, you don't even know anybody else is out there. They say it's like... you're alone in your own head. There's been a few men who have lived through it, but no one knows what happened to them." Zack shook his head, closing his eyes. "It's happened once or twice after the Wutai War... You'd be at dinner, having a blast with your friends, and suddenly one of the other guys would run up to you and tell you that someone went green."

Cloud swallowed. "Why do they call it that? Going green?"

"Well, Mako kinda looks green, and all of the men who get Mako poisoning... their eyes just glow green. Really green. A few of them, it's so bad, it almost looks like their skin is glowing green, 'cause the Mako's burning so hot in their veins. You can't touch 'em, because you're afraid you'll burn yourself." He shuddered. "In any case, no one can tell when it's going to happen to someone. It usually only happens in the SOLDIERs who were in the earlier chambers, before they really had the process perfected. But apparently one of the science department's men screwed up, and some of the chambers weren't really infusing the Mako... just pumping it into the men at insane levels. In any case..." Zack chanced a small smile. "It's all right. You shouldn't have worried about me. I'm one of the lucky ones."

"You... You're okay, then?" Cloud asked, his voice still uncertain.

"Yeah... Just tired from the whole ordeal." Smile broadening, he leaned in close again. "Were you really that worried about me?" Cloud nodded, and Zack fell back onto the couch with a laugh. "I can't believe it... You were worried about me...!"

"Of... of course I was!" Cloud said, shoving his own mug aside. "I read this thing about going green and you think I'm not worried about you! It said you could go crazy, Zack! Of course I was scared! I... I didn't want you to leave me alone!"

His friend stopped laughing, staring at Cloud intently. "...You know, Cloud-kun... There's a lot about you that I wanna know. Do you think maybe you'll let me be close enough to tell me?"

Once again, the silence threatened to take him in, and he bit his lip, for fear of revealing too much. Finally, he pushed Zack's legs away, mumbled something about the shower, and with a quick nod he ran off toward the bedroom. Left alone on the couch, one leg dangling off the side and touching the carpet, the other shoved up against the couch's cushions, Zack frowned up at the ceiling fan.

***

Helplessness. Completely and totally helpless, yes, that was how it always felt. It was the same, the exact same as before when he first came to Midgar, and everything was a muddled mess. People, places, names, they all swirled together into one large dark gray mass that served to confuse and terrify him, especially at night when the Mako lights seemed to bathe everything in this creepy, ethereal glow. He had hated it, back then, had been afraid to think of anything else but SOLDIER and Sephiroth. He had been so oblivious, so stupid, he hadn't realized trouble until he had stumbled upon them, and then--

It was the first time he met Zackary, he thought, when he was running away. He had bowled head-first into the SOLDIER, had panicked and bolted except Zack's hand had grabbed his shoulder, and the next thing he knew there was a kind voice asking him what was wrong, asking him why he was running scared.

The thugs that had nearly gotten him showed up, and took one look at Zack and charged him.

Now, Cloud had only heard of the SOLDIERs and their strength, their speed, and he had never imagined what it would look like to actually see one in battle. But Zack had calmly pushed Cloud behind him before taking on the entire gang, and smoothly took them out, one, two, sometimes three at a time. Within mere seconds they were all floored and lying helpless on the cement. Then, before Zack could even turn around and ask him if he was all right, he had turned and started running again.

Cloud didn't see Zack again until a week after that, after he had finally registered and enlisted as a Shinra SOLDIER recruit. He had been put into a group that was to be drilled by a First Class, and he had nearly been petrified to discover that the First Class was the same that had saved his life only a week ago. But, beneath his helmet, Zack didn't seem to recognize him, and just as he was becoming more comfortable in Zack's presence, noticing how the First Class was sociable and well-liked, even as a drill instructor, the class ended. He was already leaving when he felt that same hand on his shoulder, like before, and then:

"Hey, kid. I believe we've met before...?" Zack had claimed he could tell who he was even without seeing his face. He had claimed that he could tell by his body language, and Cloud was still trying to figure out just what had given him away.

Zack had never asked for much. He never even brought up the fact that he had saved Cloud from the gang of thugs. No, but he sat with Cloud sometimes during mess, and after a time Cloud noticed that Zack was actually hanging around him a bit, and he was starting to enjoy the older man's presence.

But then Zack went away on a mission, along with the Great Sephiroth and several other SOLDIERs. Rumors had it there was a terrorist uprising, or there was a monster invasion somewhere, but no one was exactly sure. All Cloud knew was that, when Zack was alone, he was alone. And that meant he no longer had anyone to watch over him, not even in his own dorm room, which he was sharing with nine other recruits.

He still couldn't remember exactly what happened during that week. He only remembered running scared, of nights spent huddling in corners and praying that he wouldn't be found. Tears. Blood. Screaming, beating.

Then Zack had come back, and one day, without any reason at all, he asked Cloud if he wanted to stay at his apartment. He had agreed.

He had thought that things would have gotten easier. Slowly but surely, things couldn't get any worse from there. But they had. Cloud knew that they had, because he had slowly grown more and more addicted to this place. Being here, stepping in and smelling the cinnamon in the air, it was as natural as breathing, now. He missed it when he left the apartment, he missed it whenever Zack wasn't there, and he knew that his addiction was not only to the actual place or the action of being at that place, no, it was far worse. He was here with Zack. He had grown addicted to Zack as surely as he had grown accustomed to his apartment, to calling it home and considering Zack his friend.

And it scared him. This dependence scared him, because the happiness it brought him frightened him. Happiness wasn't found this way, it simply wasn't given without anything expected in return. There had to be a hook, something somewhere that would pull the wool from over his eyes and he would see the truth, see why Zack had been so nice to him.

Just as much as he wanted to know the truth, however... He was afraid. Afraid of the kind smile that Zack always gave him. It just wasn't fair. It was so nice, so right, it couldn't be real...

***

Okay. So the kid's scared to death about having any sort of relationship with anybody. All right, then. I can deal. Zack looked up from the book he was reading, sprawled out comfortably, to see Cloud sitting at his desk, pencil scratching on notebook as he outlined some chapter from one of his textbooks. And he obviously doesn't know the meaning of taking time off, either.

"Maa, Cloud-kun, I thought we were going to have some fun together, ne?" he said, stretching languidly and trying to keep all annoyance out of his voice.

"Mmm."

Normally, I find his extreme usage of his extensive vocabulary to be rather cute, but now it's grating on my nerves. Zack sat up, pouting slightly as he stared at Cloud's back. "C'mon, Cloud-kun, staying cooped up in here all day and night isn't any fun. Let's go someplace, huh?"

It was at that time that, without any warning whatsoever, the lights flashed off and on, and the thermostat sputtered and died. Both Cloud and Zack froze, and then exchanged looks with each other.

"Umm... brown out, maybe?" Zack said, shoving himself off the bed, landing on his feet, and quickly going to reset all of the digital clocks that were plugged into outlets. Cloud just shrugged and went back to his studying, adjusting the lamp on the desk, and Zack grumbled as he went to the heating unit and looked at it. "Oh... hell."

"What is it, Zack?" Cloud asked softly, still not looking up from his work.

"We're in a bit of trouble. The heater's broken."

Cloud's reply was an absent one. "It's always hot in Midgar, Zack-kun... We'll be okay, won't we?"

Zack winced. "Well, I wish I could say that it wasn't a problem, but when night falls it's going to get pretty cold in here. I'm going to go out and check and see if we're the only ones with this problem. Be right back."

The blonde kid nodded, and otherwise did nothing.

However, when Zack came back, it was with bad news. For some reason, the brown-out had caused several Mako-run instruments to break down, including electrical heaters. To make it worse, the temperate was supposed to drop over twenty degrees by the time the sun had set fully, and things were already a little chilly as it were.

That evening, Zack pulled out all of the heavy blankets and quilts he had, and, remarking upon how Cloud always seemed colder than he was, dumped a respectable amount of the pile onto his young friend, who had by that time moved out of the bedroom and into the living room. Cloud had thanked him for the concern, however, and was soon ensconced comfortably while Zack, in the kitchen, decided to brew something to keep them warm.

Zack poked his head out from around the kitchen door again, grinning at the bundle of quilts that happened to nest his friend.

"Hot chocolate, Cloud-kun? It'll make you feel a lot warmer, trust me!"

Cloud nodded, then shivered and buried himself deeper beneath his mound of quilts and cloth. When Zack reemerged from the kitchen, he held two mugs in his hands again, blowing steam off the top of one. He placed the other on the coffee table in front of Cloud, and then sat down beside his friend on the couch. Cloud shifted the quilts enough to reach out for the mug, and for the longest time they just seemed to sit there, sipping their hot chocolate carefully.

"...geez, it's too cold in here...!" Zack muttered, putting his mug away and shivering. Cloud looked at him, and slowly raised up one of his arms.

"Wanna share...?" Cloud asked softly. "Just a little...?"

"Heh, I'd be glad to." Zack scooted closer on the couch, gathering up the quilts in one of his own hands and wrapping it around himself. This brought the two of them incredibly close, and Zack sighed with some regret as he thought that, despite how this made him feel... it was distressingly obvious that Cloud would never feel the same way about him--

It was also at that very moment that Cloud decided to completely shatter his world.

With a kiss.

He had never imagined anything like this to happen before, and certainly not after Cloud had constantly shunned him, had always warded him off with a sudden apathy before he could ever get too close.

And now this... It took him awhile before his brain started processing the data, taking into account how Cloud had shoved aside his own mug of hot chocolate and had to reach up, pulling him down so their lips could meet. And Cloud's lips were soft, warm... supple and tasting still of the hot chocolate that lingered there. Cloud's hands on his shoulders were holding him with a deathgrip, and when Cloud pulled back and opened his eyes and stared up at his face, searching for an expression, Zack realized that Cloud was just as surprised as he was, and probably frightened out of his wits, and if he rejected Cloud now--even after all of the mental trauma this kid had put him through--then Cloud would be broken, yes, completely and utterly broken and there would have been nothing left of him but broken and scattered shards of a dream... absolutely nothing left...

Carefully, he smiled, raising one hand and putting it to Cloud's face, cupping a cheek and marvelling at the way it just seemed to fit... But Cloud was still scared, and slowly Zack's hand moved down to the boy's chin, lifting his face as he bent down and locked lips again.

This time there were no barriers, and as the shock melted away so did Cloud, the young body meeting his with no resistence as they leaned too far backward and wound up sprawled on the couch, still wrapped up in the warmth of the quilts...

***

It was always easier to breathe in Zack's apartment.

Even the day when the bottom fell out the world and he discovered that his hopes of getting into SOLDIER were shot... There was solace back in the apartment, waiting for him in Zack's open arms, and his kisses which tasted so much like cinnamon, reminding him of the woodlands at home, of the good times in Nibelheim, and...

There were some times when he could almost forget everything. Almost everything. Even Sephiroth.

Then the next morning would come, and he would realize that, yes, he was glad to be alive, still, despite everything that had happened... There was just something comforting in Zack's arms, in the way that he laughed and told him stories, in the way that he was who he was and no one else. It was because of all of this, he imagined, that he had fallen in love with the man. Somehow, because there was something more real about Zack than his dream, something tangible and there and...

It never ceased to amaze him how any one man could tell him that he loved him. That the two could ever be more than just friends, that Zack could kiss him and tell him that it would all be okay and he would believe him.

He would believe.

Sometimes, in life, he decided, that was the only thing one can do.


End file.
